I Can't Wait To Have Tea With You

Have you ever crumbled a dollar bill before? Not just a dollar bill, but a ten or a twenty? Have you wadded a one hundred dollar bill up until Benjamin Franklin could be heard crying and begging for you to stop, to go no further, that he had had enough pain inflicted already? Money is just linen and ink that someone along the way said should be worth something. It's illegal to burn United States tender (I think that means currency) but some rich ass-holes still use it as tinder for their fat cigar. Paper currency came about in 1862, partially to finance the Civil War and also because there was a shortage of coins. People were hording them in their safety deposit boxes, keeping them hidden in secret caches maybe in the knot of an oak tree, among the dust and mice underneath the bathroom floorboards. This next fact is a zinger. The currency was first issued in one, five, ten, twenty-five and fifty cent denominations. The values seem so small when weighed against today's bills.

There was one night that Hitler demanded of his scientists to find out how much a million dollars in one dollar bills would weight. They came up with the figure of 2,040.8 lbs. Hitler said he didn't know what the fuck a pound was so he demanded the figure to be converted into kilograms, the only true measure of weight.

The lead scientist on the case stayed up a majority of the night working the conversion. He drank half a bottle of American whiskey to help, his kids begged to be played with, to be read a story before bed, his wife whisked them out of his office. "Ihr vater bedürfnisse zu konzentrieren," she whispered in their ears as they enjoyed the free ride back to their rooms on the seat of their mother's hips.

"Vat do I do? Vat do I do?" he seethed onto the paper and crumbled it up like the dozens of other sheets now forming a small hill in the corner of the study. During a break, it was 3 a.m., he worked a Rubix cube and smoked a little pot, careful to shoo the stench out the window with a table-top fan.

"Eureka!" he shrieked.

The next morning felt like the last of the long line of mornings he had experienced in his life. He found Hitler outside musing to himself and whistling the steamboat willy. It appeared that Hitler had not remembered his order last night to find the conversion and was now uninterested in the answer his Nazi scientist had produced.




Forty-eight percent of all bills are one dollar bills. The dimensions of the United States' present currency is 6.14 in. long by 2.61 in. wide. There has been only one woman on U.S. money, Martha Washington. No portraits of African-Americans have ever been displayed on government bills. I think Barack Obama would look ridiculously cool on a bill. Maybe one day he will replace a Franklin or Lincoln or Hamilton one day. Not that those men don't deserve it but new faces are always pleasant, and good for morale!

Take a long sniff off a dollar bill and you might get some cocaine residue! It is said that 97% of U.S. paper money contains traces of the nose candy.

Pocahontas flaunted her stuff on the back of the $20 bill in 1875. She made a return on the gold dollar that never caught on. Or was that Sacagawea?

My grandpa used to pass on two dollar bills. I still have about five of them. They are back home in a chest. I know exactly where they are. I probably have $10 in $2 bills. Hooray Jefferson! It will be about that time to resurrect the $2 bill once the price of 20oz bottles of vending machine pop hits two dollars. Yes and yes.


In my possession, I have six bills (1 ten...wait, I'm counting, make that five bills and 4 ones). When will they renovate the outdated-looking one dollar bill? George Washing is so small in his oval portrait frame while his other money pals have had security stamps and complete make-overs asserted on their appearance. The bills are from all over the country

1. Atlanta, Georgia
2. Atlanta, Georgia
3. Atlanta, Georgia
4. Richmond, Virginia
5. The ten doesn't say where it is from

Whoever thought that these bills were an honorable pursuit? Should I be driven to collect as many of these suckers as I can? It is my goal to be another cog in the machine of capitalism? Isn't that what university learning (though they don't say it) is geared toward? I am sure that lots of students are buried in their all night study orgies with the dream in their frontal cortex that they will be successful and make a lot of money. I am sure a lot students have found themselves working dead-end, shitty jobs just to earn a measly check to pay the bills, in turn they slave away doing menial labor to make sure their power doesn't go out.

I will not spend my life chasing a buck. You cannot interest me with money. I will not be swayed. I wish to have enough to live and for the majority of the human population to leave me the fuck alone. I believe that money can separate us from who we truly are. It can in turn lie to us, tell us that we are better animals than we actually are.

I agree that money is power but only if the population decides to see it as something of value.